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Finding the real you after a breakup

I’m straight up. I’ll tell you as it is. Break-ups aren’t pretty.

I know how painful breakups can be but I want give you 10 tips on how find the real you when your partner decides to throw in the towel and call it a day.

Now this was nearly 2 years ago for me, and believe me, time flies. But these next 10 tips have helped me on my journey and I want to bring them to the table for you.

1) You have to be patient

You have to heal and you can't rush this process. This is one thing people always fail to get to grips with at the very beginning. We all want the pain to go away, we all want to move on but how can you move on if you haven't healed. You need to be patient here.

"When someone walks out on you it will hurt."

It's going to hurt but there are different thresholds of pain depending on how you viewed your relationship.

Were they just your partner? Were they your soulmate? Were they your best friend?

Depending on the relationship it can take you a few days to get over your ex or it can take even longer. It took me like a year to get over mine.

My situation is was a bit of a rollercoaster post break up but everyone has a story.

But I needed the time to heal, time to focus more on me and this is why I say don't rush the process. Eventually you will get over them but you have to let it happen naturally.

You should not rush to get over your ex. This will not help. You'll only go back on yourself and the decisions you quickly made and find regrets in your actions. I've been there. You have to be patient.

You naturally over time will stop thinking about them, stop caring about them, and then you will inevitably get yourself in a position where you’ve fully healed and you are fully over them.

2) You'll need an emotional vomit session.

I don't mean just puking up. What I mean by this is you need to let all your emotions run wild. It's part of the healing and self realisation phase. For instance it may happen whilst you're watching a film and you just feel the need to cry and look back at all your photos because of this one scene. Or you get a flashback of a time when you did X Y or Z together when you're on your way to work. Your emotions will resurface. You won't feel good but you need to get these emotions out.

"I've had a few emotional vomit sessions, is this normal?"

Again you need to heal, so you may cry for a few nights, you may get angry on nights out, you may feel depressed and lose your appetite.

This is all natural. The key here though is to let the emotions rid themselves from your system. And they may continue to surface during the healing process but you need to not let them consume you.

So when you feel these emotions, let them come and when you feel the time is right ask yourself these questions?

Do I want to feel this way?

Do I deserve to feel this way?

Why am I letting it consume me?

3) Time to write a letter

How many times have you tried reaching back out to your ex, to try and patch things up, to get another chance. The truth at this stage is you're going to act on your own instincts.

So do what you feel is right by you, I can’t comment about what steps you take here because I can’t read your ex, they have maybe made a mistake and maybe you get back together. But some of you are going to try again. I've done it. Not sure why I did but I've done it. My advice is simple. Rather than chasing them back I would recommend writing a letter.

Now I know it might sound stupid but honestly it's a technique that is so powerful. If you can write everything you want to write and not send, essentially you can get everything off your chest, and putting it to paper genuinely will help you take those steps forward.

If you write a dialogue of what would happen after they read this letter you can visualise the result and then move forward from the pretend conversation you have had without actually having to revisit them in person. This is so powerful too because you give yourself your own closure and can move on easier without the complications that could arise that you just dont need.

4) Stop the blame game

You need to stop blaming yourself. Stop finding excuses that you were in the wrong. Regardless of why you broke up, if the person you were with couldn’t find it within them to work it through they made that decision and its not your fault.

It was there decision and you need to remember that.

I dont care if you did wrong at this point. You can't change the past. You can work on it moving forward but the truth is they made their decision. This is something that has to be dealt with.

You weren’t to blame for them not wanting to try work things out so start writing down everyday its not my fault. You need to reaffirm yourself that you may have played a part but at the same time they made the final decision.

5) Distant yourself

I dont care how special they were. You need to put your hood on, take that first step after the door gets closed on you, and walk away without looking back. Keep walking. Put your headphones on or put in your AirPods and get Craig David - walking away playing.

It is one of the hardest things to do, buy you need to distance yourself from your ex. It's crucial for you both to give each other that time to reflect and heal. So keep the momentum and push forward with your life. And if the moment ever arises where you see each other, you cross paths, reconnect for a moment, you will have a different mindset and make decision then. What you do next is entirely up to you - but give yourself that distance and be selfish. You need to heal, and to heal you need to put them aside.

So delete and block off all socials if needed. Remove all reminders. Clear all their stuff. Do whatever is necessary to get them as far as way from you as possible so that you can clearly start to visualise a life without them.

6) Be the bigger person

"What do you mean be the bigger person?"

I hear this a lot, but to find the real you, and to move forward you're gonna have to come to terms and accept why they did what they did. You dont have to agree with why they walked out on you, but you have to accept their decision to be selfish and leave you, to be true to themselves.

They could have made the worst decision they’ve ever made. They could have had different reasons to their decisions, BUT it was their decision, and we don't have to agree with their reasoning, but when we learn to accept their reasons.

At this stage finding the real you becomes easier, because we remind ourselves of why we didn't call it a day. We remind ourselves of our true qualities and we smile as we move forward.

7) Write a good and bad list

One thing that will help is write and pros and cons list. A positive and negative list. And get real with this,

Initially you might only find positives. Understandable. You're probably still blinded with love which I totally get, but stick at the list. Ask yourself about the issues and negative concerns you truly had.

This will help you come to peace with all that was wrong that you were just oblivious to see. If you can’t find any now, take some time and keep revisiting this list, you will realise that there were some real toxic areas you chose to ignore because you were blinded due to love.

It's truly liberating when you bring these negatives into perspectives. You may even find out that the negatives outweighed the positives.

This process will help you find the real you and what you really want in a partner, and will help identify where your ex fell short in being the perfect partner for you.

8) Focus on you

Start focusing on what brings you happiness. Not what takes away the pain but what brings a smile to your face. Whats bringing you joy. Ask yourself what have you put on hold recently? What brings you enjoyment?

Now find a way of implenting these activities so you continue to be happy moving forward. And dont care about what people think just keep powering through.

So often we put things off and I just want you right now to sit back and look at all you wanted to achieve before when you were single. Maybe there were goals that you put on hold. Maybe there are new goals you now want to explore.

"This is now your time, so make it count."

9) Reaffirm yourself

Affirmations are nice. Genuinely they are so powerful. I love doing affirmations but sometimes its easy saying things i.e I am loving, I am deserving of love, I am great, I am passionate, etc.

The problem with affirmations are that after a while, they will tend to lose value if you don't truly believe in them.

I would recommend asking yourself these questions each day to help gain clarity on the things you need to start believing in to finding the real you.

Q: Who do I need to be, to move forward

e.g: I need to be honest with the situation that arose and I need to accept their decision, because only then will I be able to move forward.

Q What do I need to be to be in that mindset that allows me to smile more often:

e.g: I need to be happier every morning with my fortunes to be in that mindset that allows me to smile more often.

10) Close the door

This is the final tip. For you to find the real you, you have to be prepared to close the door and not care about 'buts and what ifs'.

You have to bury the hope and not go digging back for it. If you truly want to find the real you after a break up, you have to be brave to say goodbye to all that you were accustom to and and close the door.

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